Despatch Fifteen

The Veil. There is a useful English general principle governing behaviour such as the wearing of the veil by Muslim women. The principle is: 'So long as they do not do it in the street and frighten the horses'. This covers the case, both literally and metaphorically, I think.

Despatch Fourteen

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Despatch Fourteen

Idiom of the Day: Conkers. Not to be confused with bonkers (deranged). Conkers are the inedible fruits of the horse chestnut tree, and the name of a game played by children in the autumn. The game of conkers consists of two contestants, typically boys, each with a conker (optionally hardened for combat, eg by soaking in vinegar) suspended on string. They take it in turn to strike their opponent’s conker, until one conker fragments. A group in a playground or some other community will continue until there is a champion conker which remains intact. A similarity might be drawn for Kolya between this schoolboy game and the more deadly struggles for power in the politburo during the Soviet period.

The anniversary of the Hungarian Uprising is marked in the media.

Q:What is the name of Sir Paul MacCartney's lawyer? Just curious.

A: He is represented by Ms Fiona Shackleton, a rather fit* lawyer

*Idiom of the day number 2: Fit means physically attractive

Q: And her address?

A: Don't even go there, Oleg. I thought you and Natasha were trying for a little Lucullus or a little Avaritia. If you are feeling restless, give Natasha some cash and send her to Milan for a couple of days to get some new outfits.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Thirteen

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Despatch Thirteen

A visit to the Holbein exhibition at Tate Britain. This gallery was built by a 19th century sugar baron, like our Tretyakovsky Museum of Art and the Zalesskiy palace, formerly the British Embassy, in Moscow. Holbein was a 16th century master portrait painter. One picture caught my eye, with a view to naming your future yachts. It is called the Triumph of Riches – very appropriate -, and the merry throng of people depicted are labelled with Latin names, many of which roll off the tongue. I do not know what they mean, but then probably nor would most people in the ports round the world where your fleet may dock. These are some of those words, in no particular order:
Avaritia; Libertas; Impostura; Bon Fides; Fortuna; Usura; Iustitia; Contractus; Aequalitas; Notitia; Voluntas; Ratio; Lucullus; Simonides. If you and Natasha are blessed with a daughter to be company for little Kolya, perhaps you will consider Avaritia, Usura or Notitia? These names have a certain cachet of classical learning which will enable them to hold their heads high in any educated company.

Q: I am a simple seaman and I would like to start an art collection. What would you advise?
A: Your wall space is limited in the crew’s quarters. So-called kinetic (moving) art is coming back into fashion Why not consider a mobile hanging from the ceiling? Look on the web for an Alexander Calder if you can afford one.

English idiom of the day: ‘Nobody expects..’ When this formulation is used at the beginning of a sentence, it is probably a reference to a famous comedy sketch about the Spanish Inquisition from a TV series called Monty Python’s Flying Circus. This series is a cult among many of the intelligentsia, and I have secured a ticket for their latest venture, a musical about the search for the Holy Grail . I am not sure how the Monty Python cult relates to mainstream Christian observance. Perhaps you could ask Fr Mitrofan what his opinion is of these and other manifestations, such as their movie based on the New Testament, 'The Life of Brian'.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Twelve

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

A strange coincidence

This afternoon, I walked up to my local bookshop to buy a collection of essays about Eastern and Western Europe by the historian Norman Davies. To remind me of the title of the book and its author, I had torn a review out of a weekly magazine. I passed this scrap of paper to the assistant behind the counter, and the assistant said to a man standing next to me, who was paying for a book: Adam, didn't you review this book? The man said: Yes. I reviewed it for The Spectator. Amazed, the assistant passed him the scrap of paper of his - Adam Zamoyski's - review, which I had torn out of The Spectator. This strange episode reminds me what a small world it is. But you wouldn't want to paint it (thanks to Sasha for this witticism ).

Ask Tatiana

Q: We read alarming things about the marriage of oligarch Abramovich and his wife Irina. What will become of us if there is a rift in our captain's lute (idiom of the day) and Oleg's assets are frozen ?
A: This will never happen. There was a pre-nup. Besides, Oleg has Natasha's mother locked up somewhere in the Letgo's hold.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Eleven

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Despatch 11

I commend to you an educational film called The History Boys, by the classical British author, Arnold Bennett. Please notice particularly a scene in the film set in some ruined buildings called Fountains Abbey. You might like to take a flip over this place in your helicopter in case it appeals as your HQ. Once repaired, there would be plenty of room for your fitness equipment, pool, helipad etc. I hope that Eton is not like the school in the film. The boys and the masters are at it like knives (see idiom of the day, below), many of them are overweight and quite old (the boys, that is). Perhaps it is some kind of Arnold Bennett roman a clef. Here in London the Indian summer continues. Camellias, which apparently usually flower in February, are threatening to bloom at any moment. Your new pale green Aston Martin DB9 has been delivered. Would you like Sasha to bring it to a convenient port on one of his days off, or shall I keep it in the garage?
Idiom of the day: At it like knives - having sexual intercourse
Crew Question: Are there any Russian builders working in Chelsea?
Tatiana's answer: No. they are mainly Polish or Ukrainian.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Dear Tatiana - Queries from the crew of Letgo Answered

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Dear Oleg, thank you for forwarding some FAQ's from the crew. I will do my best to answer their questions one by one.
Q: Dear Tatiana, I have received an invitation to spend my next shore leave with friends in Chelsea. Is it true that the sign of appreciation of such hospitality is to urinate in their garden?
A: No. Urinating in a garden leaves an unpleasant lingering smell and the acidity may affect plant growth.
Keep those questions coming!

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Tatiana is thrown back on her own resources.

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Friday Oct 13th

Tatiana is thrown back on her own resources.

When I went to the bank in Knightsbridge with my passport, the woman behind the screen asked me a lot of questions about you and the account you opened for me. It seems the account has been frozen ‘pending further inquiries’. This is because Sasha opened it with a cash float. A million pounds. In a suitcase. Well, Olly, I am a woman of resource. Until you can us send some more, I have decided to let the basement of the house and sent Sasha to get a job guarding someone else. He has been taken on as bag carrier and security for a three-woman show called The Vagina Monologues which will be touring the UK until Christmas. So we will not starve. A local firm of estate agents has found me a tenant, conveniently for me a retired wealth management consultant, who moves in on Monday. Let’s hope the bank account will be unfrozen by the time you come ashore. I will also try to get work, perhaps teaching Russian, or as a guide to other Russians visiting London. To this end, I thought I should advertise so I went up the road to buy the Russian language newspapers published here. As I mentioned to you before, according to the invariable British custom, the newspaper shop is run by a family of Indians, named Patel. All this stress has made me think about my health and fitness so I have added a Pilates class to my personal training once a week. With my personal trainer, we run round the park and do strenuous exercises, swinging our arms with weights and getting sweaty. Pilates is to do with being correctly aligned and making quite small muscular efforts, in its own way very demanding and rewarding. The class is at the local health centre. There is line dancing there as well, which may be of research interest in due course. There was a colossal downpour of rain yesterday and the front door started to stick. A representative of a famous firm of locksmiths called Banham’s came to have a look. He says it must be that the rain has caused the wood to swell and they will come to adjust it today, plane it and fit three new hinges. Is this global warming?? Your English idioms of the day: Rat-arsed (drunk); all over the shop (confused); if push comes to shove (if absolutely necessary).

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Eight

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Tues Oct 10

Back in London, to the merry sound of angle grinder on stone: three neighbouring houses are being done up by Poles and Ukrainians. Sasha keeps a low profile for obvious historical reasons, finding himself - a lone former Russian soldier - in the wrong place at the wrong time amidst such a welter of former client statespersons. The Indian summer continues; the quinces are golden, some now even rotting, on the tree overhanging the garden. You asked me for more chapter and verse regarding my stay in Cheltenham. Well, Olly, I did not spend your money on spa treatments or gambling. I have the ticket stubs (enclosed) to prove that I attended no less than seven events. I did not wish to bore you with great detail, but since you ask I will give you a short account of each. The first I chose on the Friday afternoon (there are several events to chose from at every hour of the day for a fortnight) was Juliet Nicolson. Ms Nicolson is the scion of an artistic family, her grandparents being Harold Nicolson and Virginia Woolf, and her father a notable painter Ben. The theme of her book is social conditions in England seen through the experiences of various representatives from different walks of life from May to October 1911. Ms Nicolson was charming but nervous - it is her first book. She was wearing a very pretty patterned dress with a fashionable ‘handkerchief’ hem, layered over a camisole and with a cardigan, all in shades of sludge or putty. My only criticism of her outfit is her tights, which were also a khaki colour and to my mind …but I digress. The following day, Saturday, I started with Gavin Stamp a more experienced orator who gave a lively account of the war memorials on the Western Front of the Great War 1914-18. Mr Stamp is an architect, and on this showing could go on a short list for your proposed mansion in that land you have in Scotland. Incidentally, I understand from the taxi driver who took us to our hotel that Cheltenham was largely built by senior army officers from India who retired there in the past century. Then came Lady Antonia Fraser, who was introduced as ‘uniquely well equipped’ to describe the characters and careers of the mistresses of Louis XIV of France. For some reason the audience found that remark very amusing and laughed knowingly as did Lady Fraser herself, who is a large blonde person. She may have been married at one time to Harold Nicolson, because she explained that when she decided to ditch a previous book project on the history of Ireland, she said to her husband: ‘Harold, I’ve binned the Boyne’. After that, I went to hear a young Conservative MP called Michael Gove speak about the threat from militant Islam. A former Foreign Minister of Britain, Jack Straw, has recently provoked a public debate on the wearing by Muslim women of the veil. Mr Gove comes from the sinister wing of the Conservative Party, in the tradition of another Michael, the former leader of the party, M. Howard. Then I attended an illustrated talk by two ladies on the sculptor Rodin, the subject of a retrospective exhibition at the Royal Academy while Sasha sat in on his former colleague’s presentation on conditions in Afghan prisons. On Sunday morning early I attended a talk by the former head of the British home security service, which is like our Border Police, OGPU and the NKVD. You may wish to short list this lady, Stella Rimington, to run your own protection squad when you come ashore. Lastly there was a comedy double act called Jenkins and Benn, bantering about political philosophy. Simon Jenkins is a Marxist and T. Benn is a Leveller. I am off to Knightsbridge now to show my identity card to the bank.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Seven

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Dear Olly,

On Friday, Sasha suddenly insisted on going to Cheltenham, a spa town in the southwest of England. He had a call from an old Russian army colleague who was to appear at the annual Literary Festival there. It seems that his friend had written a book about being a prisoner of the Taliban in Afghanistan, now translated into English. I decided to accompany him on the cross country train from Carlisle, to take advantage of the opportunity to study the event and the people. When we arrived at the Town Hall for the talk on Saturday, I noticed a tall distinguished looking Englishman in the queue for coffee. He was wearing pink cord trousers and a bright yellow v-neck jersey or ‘jumper’ with a multi-coloured striped shirt. This is the kind of thing that will help you melt into the background on occasions such as an invitation to go shooting. In the Writers’ Room after the talk, our escort – a volunteer from the neighbourhood who helps to run the festival – pointed out various celebrities from the media: a James Naughtie ,a Jeremy Paxman, Daniel Finkelstein (no relation, he told me, to Leonid who works for Bush House), Robert Thomas the editor of the Times, Libby Purves a broadcaster and Julia Eccleshare a specialist in children’s books. Julia was in Moscow with an exhibition of books from England when I had that part time job at the Library for Foreign Literature (VGBIL) some years ago. Luckily, she did not see me so I did not have to break my cover or introduce Sasha who had taken full advantage of the free wine on offer. I went back to my room for an early night but Sasha found some Serbs working in the kitchen in our hotel and disappeared until Sunday afternoon when it was time for us to take the train to London. We assume the affair of the apples (see my earlier despatch) has now blown over.

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.

Despatch Six

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Dear Olly

My stay in Scotland has turned out to be most instructive. Sasha and I were wandering through one of the little towns near our safe house – he takes care to camouflage himself as a hunter in army fatigues, with his Kalashnikov slung carelessly over his shoulder, in case someone springs another little surprise on us such as the maggot egg which turned out be a microdot in the apple (see my earlier despatch). Anyway, we were strolling through this little town, and turned up a backstreet so that Sasha could relieve himself discreetly in one of the pretty front gardens full of autumn colour, when we noticed a number of people smoking outside a noble-looking stone building of 19th century design, an Institute for the improvement of the peasantry. Curious to know what was going on, we followed them back into the building and discovered that there was a Planning Inquiry in progress, into a windfarm!

The copyright and all other rights in this blog and the characters featured in it belong to Tatiana Larin-Gremin, and they may not be copied, adapted or otherwise used without her agreement.