Despatch Two

The story so far:
Tatiana is employed by a Oleg, a Russian oligarch exiled at sea on his yacht the Flying Dutchman (Letushchy Golandets, Letgo for short). Her job is to brief him on all aspects of British life pending his arrival in London. Oleg and his wife Natalya (Natasha) have a son Nicholas (Kolya)who is down for Eton. Tatiana has a bodyguard Alexander (Sasha) with whom she recently had to flee to a safe house in a remote part of Scotland. Due to difficulties with the bank, which has frozen Oleg’s account, Tatiana has had to let the basement of her house in London and Sasha has got a job as a roadie until Christmas with a touring theatre company...

Dear Olly, The Prince Charles I mentioned in my last despatch is the heir to the English throne (or, as the English would say, the British throne). He is the Prince of Wales, that part of England to the far west not the sea mammal. He makes biscuits on his farm in Gloucestershire. Perhaps he is unhinged with grief at the death of his first wife. But he has recently remarried a cheerful looking person, his former housekeeper, who wore a very Russian style headdress at their wedding, a sheaf of corn. He is a devout Orthodox and often visits Mount Athos on the quiet so Fr Mitrofan may have heard his confession before you whisked him off on your little sabbatical. I have been looking round the place for safe investments, and wonder whether you would consider buying a body known as the Forestry Commission ? This organisation owns most of the timber in Britain. My personal trainer says that Gordon Brown will be putting it up for sale when he succeeds Tony Blair. The record of a ship’s movements and activities is called the log, by the way. My English teacher and I did a whole lesson on wood and wood-related expressions. On board ship, one may use ‘Shiver me timbers’ as an ejaculation. You will need to get to grips with the national characteristics of the various peoples inhabiting these islands before you start negotiating here. The Scots have what is known as a chip on their shoulder. A chip is a small piece of wood. The Welsh are very devious, and sometimes speak a different language altogether from other English people. We will leave the Irish alone for the time being, because they are too complicated. Mr Patel in the corner shop knows a lot about all these matters because he has been selling newspapers for 40 years. It might be worth putting him on the strength – this is a new idiom I learned from the ‘Employment and Office Practice’ chapter of my book English for Business. It means putting him on the payroll. In the last century, this move would have been part of something called the Great Game, if Mr Patel had been from India whereas in fact he came here from East Africa. On church matters, I am afraid to say that the schism in the Russian Orthodox Cathedral in London remains unbridged. There is a standoff between those who wish to shelter under the wing of the Moscow Patriarch and those (many of them English) who seek the protection of the Ecumenical Patriarch in Constantinople. You are better off circling the globe with Fr Mitrofan, celebrating the liturgy in deep waters. By the way, I have received a pre-printed postcard from the Provost of Eton. It thanks you for your letter and in ink is added underneath ‘How much?’. So there you are ! ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ as the chapter on Commerce says! Would you still like me to sound out Harrow in case the price for Eton is unreasonable?

Yours aye (Scottish way of signing off)

Tatiana L-G

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